when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
