I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
