remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
