My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
