Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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