since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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