it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
