Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
