We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The Olympian is in my bed
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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