you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
