I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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