I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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