my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
