so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
