god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
