I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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