dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
