I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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