life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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