96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
