My boss' voice literally gives me gas
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
