i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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