No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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