i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
