so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
