I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
not ubering you a puppy
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize