Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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