Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
