12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
