well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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