1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
