Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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