she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize