she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
