She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
