My liver just broke up with me...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
