Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
