i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You're like the curious george of whores
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
