We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
