Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
