Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
