Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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