Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
