just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
