I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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