Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
