the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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