I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
