Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
