I must be too annoying 4 u.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think my moral compass just broke
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
