I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
