i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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