in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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