i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
