this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
