So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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