turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
