i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
