I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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