i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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