The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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